Anthony Virostko

On September 17, 2010, Out & Equal Tampa Bay presented the Four Sisters Groove to about 20 folks in the audience. I was please to see the people there and especially please to see a couple folks I didn’t know.

Presenting to people is a great way to learn what areas of your topic need improvements, changes or “fleshed out.” From this Groove Session I was able to pick up some things that have been VERY helpful in me understanding what is important about the Groove and how to get it “to stick.”

1. Set Up is Key. I have to be honest and say, I kind of skimmed over the set up of the connection of LGBT folks with dancing. I know how important dancing is to our community, but I’m not sure other folks have thought about it before. The introduction is my chance to set the parameters for the Groove Session, which I did do in presenting my philosophy on providing a safe space for LGBT to practice and hone skills required in the outside world, but I could have spent some more time talking about how dancing really is a reflection of the soul, and thus a clear indication of communication. By having a proper set up, I can put everyone attending the Groove Session in the Dance Floor with me.
2. Take Nothing for Granted. All my life, I have understood communication styles. In high school, I started noticing them; in college I studied them through Tim and Beverly Lahayes (who basically took it from Hippocrates) and then the Gary Smalley version and then the Myers-Briggs. Later, I broadened my scope to include horoscopes and Jungian Theory. I see it in the writing of most TV shows when they so readily chooses four main characters to represent the four main communication styles. Yet, there may be people in my Groove Session audience who have never heard of any of those things and just watch TV sitcom, because it is funny, not because it can teach you about communication styles. Take nothing for granted and take the time to bring everyone along, so we are again all on the same Dance Floor.
3. Information Overload. Since this may be the first time some people have heard about communication styles, this certainly is the first time most everyone has heard about the Groove. It is like common knowledge to me, since I’ve been working on it, but it is something totally new to Groove Session attendees. Yes, self-assessments seem familiar and some folks may have a previous dabbling in communication styles with work, but the Four Sisters Groove has to build a complete foundation of understanding first before it can progress to help teach the steps to effective communication skills. I must take the time during a Groove to completely fill in information and make sure everyone is moving along the Dance Floor together. Honestly, I lost some folks at Crunk. (Maybe not enough of them listen to Hip-Hop music? LOL)
4. Practice Does Make Perfect. When it came time to Practice the Groove, I had the participants pair up with people they didn’t know. We had one talker and one listener for five minutes on a subject I gave. The listener was to watch the talker for Crunks, and the talker was to be him/her self. To me, it was interesting to watch the “light bulbs” go off as folks started noticing: “Hey, he really does gesture a lot.” or “She’s hard to hear.” We switched and the pairs even took off more as they started using Crunks to more effectively communicate on our Dance Floor.
5. Notes are Good but not a Crutch. Since I had so much time before this Groove Session to work on my Powerpoint presentation, I had written out my notes to where I even had <CLICK> for when to change the slides. Overkill for sure. My best presentations are always the ones I use the notes in my head and eye contact and personal interaction with the individuals in attendance.  I was afraid to “miss” something in my talk, but by following my notes to closely, I didn’t sense when attendees had stepped off the Dance Floor.

These are just some of the main things I picked up from the Groove Session hosted by Out & Equal Tampa Bay. I had such a great time doing it, and I think the folks attending did too. Now, on to more Groove Sessions! Let me know if you want one where you are!

Really listening to someone isn’t an easy thing to do, yet a major part of Four Sisters Groove is the ability to listen to a Sister to understand where she’s coming from.

Eckhart Tolle in his book Power of Now says:

When listening to another person, don’t just listen with your mind, listen with your whole body. Feel the energy field of you inner body as you listen. That takes attention away from thinking and creates a still space that enables you to truly listen without the mind interfering. You are giving the other person space – space to be.

Easier said than done, right? When we are “listening” most of the time we are really just thinking about responses. It’s kind of human nature, I think, and Tolle defines it too:

Most people don’t know how to listen because the major part of their attention is taken up by thinking. They pay more attention to that than to what the other person is saying, and none at all to what really matters: the Being of the other person underneath the words and the mind.

So, how do we get out of the mind and Be? For me, it has taken lots of practice. I by no means claim to be an expert at listening, but I have found it does make a huge difference in your relationships when you just Be. How?

1. Focus on your breathing. One of the best ways I have found for coming into Being is through my belly. It has to move for me to breathe, so I focus on that. It helps me reduce the thinking of the mind and focus on my body, which helps me Be.
2. Feel your toes or fingers. No, you don’t have to reach out and touch your toes. Instead sense them. Once you have a sense of your toes or fingers, “sense” up your legs or arms. Focus on your body and vibrations of it. This will take some practice.
3. Seated or standing? Listening in either position means you can also focus on the location that touches. If you are standing. Sense or feel the connection of your feet to where you are. Be there. Same goes for the, uh, derriere. Sense or feel the connection it has with the chair.

These are just a few of the tools I use to help me listen to someone. Yours could be completely different? Do you mind sharing with a comment?

Most human relationships consist mainly of minds interacting with each other, not of human beings communicating, being in communion. No relationship can thrive in that way, and that is why theres is so much conflicts in relationships. When the mind is running your life, conflict, strife, and problems are inevitable. Being in touch with your inner body creates a clear space of no-mind within which the relationship can flower. – Tolle, Power of Now

To improve your listening and communication skills, just Be Sister.

I’m beginning to consider what form I want to manifest Four Sister Groove sessions and since I have a presentation to make on it very soon, I really would like some input from you on what would you find valuable in a groove session?

A Four Sisters Groove session is a safe place for gay people to discuss communication skills in either 60 or 90 minutes. It would include the Find Your Spot self-assessment and then discussions and practice on effective communication skills in gay relationships.

I have come up with three key points about Groove sessions I think are valuable:

1. Providing a Safe Place. So much of our life is spent out in the rest of the world where we may not feel as free or safe to discuss some issues. This is a fact of modern life for most gay people, so a Four Sisters Groove Session would definitely require an agreement by the attendees to provide a “safe” place for open discussions.
2. An edge up on Communication Skills. A Four Sisters Groove Session would entail practical and useful effective communication skills. These would be highlighted and developed during the course of the session, and interaction practice would also provide an opportunity for building better gay relationship skills.
3. Educational and Entertaining. Most everyone wants to continue growing and learning. It’s a valuable part of life. A Four Sisters Groove Session would provide valuable effective communication skills training in an informative and entertaining way. If it’s not something interesting, most people just turn off when it comes to educational forums. (I think we learned that in school!) By providing interactive training and participating exercises, a Four Sisters Groove Session can teach and be fun.

So, what else would you like to see? What have been some of the best educational or training sessions you have attended? Please feel free to comment to share. Also, feel free to contact me if you are interested in hosting a Groove Session!

We’re standing outside on a warm, Florida night waiting in line with the rest of the circuit queens who’ve made the annual trip to Orlando for Gay Days, the June PRIDE kick-off weekend where we all amass within the Happiest Place on Earth wearing red shirts and holding hands. I cry every time I see the stream of red following the afternoon Dreams Come True Parade.

But that was the day before and now we’re cued to enter Hard Rock Coliseum with yards of glammed-out gays. They say more than 150,000 folks come to town for the events, and we (this group of four) are among the 10,000 or so who will dance the night away inside to the sounds produced by DJ Abel. From here, we can already hear the music, currently a non-stop, muffled thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. The gay heartbeat.

I’m wearing my green camouflaged pants with the extra pockets, since I must have extra pockets when I’m on the dance floor. I can stash my cigarettes and gum and cell phone – those seldom used dancing requirements – without taking up the valuable pocket real estate at my hips where I stash the frequently used items. I don’t include a wallet for these adventures, so I button down my driver’s license and cash in the back right one, being  right-handed. And the water bottle slips into the left side for easy access.

I don’t understand how others can dance so unencumbered. I see these queens in their sparkling hip-huggers with not even room for a $20 bill, and somewhere in my thoughts I curse them merely for being thin and for appearing so unattached to the things of this world like water and food. Yet, in the same whisper as the curse, I thank the gay god I didn’t pack those Nutter Butters.

Gaggles of gays have converged on the dance floor, and this event finds as much ritual built in as any Sunday church service. The tribes gather and migrate: LaLa boys primp and glow with tanned botoxed faces, while the Chelsea boys sneer. The Twinks flit about gingerly, while The Bears lumber to their corner of the dance floor. For all its diversity chants and being different sing-songs, the homo life is filled with homophily. Birds of a feather flock together or as the case is here Bondage boys truss the Leather Queens.

Walking onto the dance floor is like walking into a blast furnace. The depth of the air hits you first. It smacks you with this damp, hot breath of roaring thump and brassy vibrations and multicolored facets of beat, and  I can see the crowded floor from this vantage point, but I can’t see where to go yet. I struggle to categorize the various things wooing me as I enter. It’s all accosting me at once: the lights, the sounds, the smells, the energy. That’s the main and over-riding sensation: this jarring snap alive from being there at that moment. That’s probably the biggest appeal to attending these events and why certain DJs have a clear following. If the DJ plays it right, this feeling ebbs and flows throughout the night. The lighting production plays a big part in setting the mood, as does the location and the crowd.  But the music is the key, the heart beat. The Thump. Thump. Thump.

Through this din we find our way. The four of us crowd surf consistently on nights like these, letting the music and the muscles guide us. Usually we head to stage right up at the front, though we have been known to adjust our place if the muscle bears are close by. Then, a passing woof or two helps direct us to that place: our spot. No matter where we roam or wonder through the course of the night, we will always return to our spot.

It is close to the stage, but not so close as to restrict a full view. We encamp here,  because it feels right. The sound is loud, but the speakers are far enough away to not cause too much pain. A few other groups appear to have staked claim nearby, so the neighborhood looks promising for a good time. It helps to have those around you in a similar frame of mind, because there’s nothing like circuit drama to fuck up a good time, and those dancing around you do matter.

Circuit events across the country and world are filled with gay men who have to have their spot on the dance floor. I always wondered why a spot was so important to gay men at circuit events, and then I remembered there is this place where it all comes together. Some call it the heart. Some call it the soul. It’s this connecting place of essence within us all that links and binds us to a place and people and events. It seems it’s the attachment of energy to flesh and blood marking your presence within this event. Everyone loves. Everyone hurts. Everyone smiles. Everyone cries. Everyone dances. Here is where we will dance.

Welcome to the dance floor. Now, let’s Find Your Spot.

Homophily is the tendency of people to like the same as themselves. We gay people are very familiar with liking the same as ourselves, but there is a tendency in all humans to go with what we know. We know white, middle class suburban neighborhoods, so that is what we go with. We see it all the time in so much of our lives, we probably don’t even notice.

So I guess you could say, the old saying: “Birds of a feather flock together” isn’t that far off the mark. We really do like what we know.

Can we use this knowledge for to build effective communication skills? I think we can, and I think it only takes a few key points to remember for us to use this valuable tool.

1. Natural Tendencies. It’s important to remember that we humans became this way for a reason. The unfamiliar killed us before, so it’s highly likely that staying with what we know was a safety measure. There is a safety in familiarity. So it is in our communication. When we stick with what we know, we generally don’t put our necks out there. This can be good. This can be bad. Being aware of it should help us to decide is it time to stay with those natural tendencies or is it time for us to take a risk?
2. Differences Do Matter. The premise of Four Sisters Groove is based on the idea that gay people need a safe place to learn and practice effective communication skills. Can you learn these skills elsewhere? Yes, of course. (Just Google: Effective Communication Skills, and you’ll see!) But this site and communication method provides a specific, orientation safe arena to practice. Leaning on homophily allows us to provide a place for gay relationships to learn effective communication skills.
3. Stretching Boundaries. As much as we would like to stay in our homophily worlds, we really do need to break out of the bonds of the familiar. Do you spend time with other ethnic groups? Do you only bond with men or only with women? Does everyone around you all believe the same way? Yes, it’s okay to like the same. (We are same-sex lovers, yes?) But more often then not, we will gain a better sense of living life, if we break from the familiar and try something new.

So, there is a time and place for homophily, but it is also valuable for us to take a look at it for what it is: a tool we can use for building gay relationships effective communication skills.

I went out to the local gay resort for the “Sunday Tea Dance,” and as I watched a lot of the folks interact (yeah, I’m kinda silly that way), I decided I need to review the Four Sisters Groove Sashay Scale. In a setting like a tea dance, you really can’t miss Sashay.

The Four Sisters Groove dance floor is divided into quadrants. Sashay Scale divides the dance floor horizontally, so Sisters will Sashay Left or Sashay Right. When you take the time to watch and listen to people, you really can pick up on a Sisters’ Sashay Scale pretty easily. Of course, the Crunks we’ve talked about before and the cues they provide with body language, posture, voice, word choices, and gestures can all tip you off to a Sisters’ Sashay Scale for effective communication skills.

Now remember, the Sashay Scale depends on the response each Sister gives to the current environment. Training and education and personal growth patterns can all have a part in determining this Sashay Scale. Granted, genetics will also play a role in establishing a Sisters’ Sashay Scale, too. So, environmental patterns combine with your heredity to create a unique Sashay. No two Sashay’s will be exactly alike. However, consistent patterns are established for either the Sashay Left or Sashay Right.

Or another way to look at it:  Sashay reflects your interactions with other people. What kind of assertiveness do others have over you? How much can others influence you? How much pressure do you require before acting or deciding? Do you gain strength from being around others or does it drain your energy?

Depending on how you answered questions when you Find Your Spot on the Dance Floor, (you did Find Your Spot, didn’t you?) you either Sashay Left or Sashay Right. Sashay divides the Sisters Dance Floor horizontally. Your score when you Find Your Spot will place you on the left or right side of the scale.

Sashay Right

Let’s deal with Sashay Right first since those are the ones who think they’re most important. Of course, everyone knows it, right? But when it comes down to it, the Sashay is not about what other people think about you. It’s about personal energy. What feelings of energy do you experience in an interaction?

Sisters Sashaying Right tend to not be readily influence by others, and these Sisters tend to be less yielding in decisions and purpose. They are the ones who love to be in the middle of a crowd and gain energy levels when they are. In fact, not being in a crowd can be draining for these Sisters. They like to drive and push for things, and sometimes they can push too hard. This assertiveness can even be to the point of harm to those who stand in the way, thus right Sashaying Sisters must watch to make sure this strength doesn’t become a weakness. Tina and Stacey are the Sisters who Sashay Right.

Sashay Left

Sisters Sashaying left tend to yield more to people; in relationships, these Sisters don’t like to assert themselves. Though, they can have a good time in a crowd, these Sisters tend to gain more energy by having alone time, and these Sisters find it much easier to relinquish then to push back. More easily influenced, the left Sashaying Sisters must learn to express themselves unless this strength becomes a weakness.

Generally, Sashaying Left Sisters will state opinion only when they deem it necessary, and they tend to give it very carefully.  During conversations, they may find themselves  standing away from people, and if they want you to do something, they tend to exert very little pressure for action. Gestures, voice fluctuations, and talking speed are generally reserved also. Katie and Gina are the Sashay Left Sisters.

So, next time you are out in a group setting for gay relationships, see if you can make out Sashay for effective communication. You really can’t miss her.

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but since we are learning about gay relationships, does straight really cut it? 😀 Well, it depends. It depends on where you are on the Dance Floor and where you want to go.

The Four Sisters Groove helps you bring it all together with tangible steps you can take for Effective Communication Skills. By taking steps in the right direction, you’ll begin to notice changes in your gay relationships. That’s how you get into the Groove.

First, your Sister will be your starting point. That’s why we spend so much time in understanding where you are on the Dance Floor. Did you Find Your Spot yet? You have to know where you are at before you can know where to go.

Then, the other person’s Sister will be your goal. Now, don’t worry about actually getting to that Sister. That’s not the goal of the Groove. The goal is to learn the steps to Groove together.

Let’s follow an example: The Sisters’ Quiz puts Gina in the lower left quadrant. This Gina has Tina as a partner. To Groove to Tina, Gina would have to Sashay Right and Prink Up.
Can you see the groove? Gina is in the left lower quadrant; Tina is in the right upper quadrant. To go that direction, Gina needs to Sashay Right or Prink Up. Gina may find it easier to Sashay right first and then Prink Up, depending on what she feels most comfortable trying.

Finding Three Groove Steps

So, what three steps can Gina write down as actions to take? Since her quiz shows she’s higher on the Sashay Scale and lower on the Prink Placement, she would probably feel most comfortable Sashaying. She knows Sashaying right means having opinions and voicing them. So, Gina would write: I will voice my opinion clearly and directly without having to be asked.

Gina also knows Sashaying can mean speaking quickly and loudly, maybe being even a bit too loud. She doesn’t necessarily have to be too loud, but she does know she could speak up and talk a little bit faster. Then Step 2 is written as: I will speak up and speed up my conversations with Tina.

Now for the last step, Gina needs to do something physical. She knows Sashay means stepping out, leaning into, gesturing towards, and generally moving her body into another person. So her third step would be: I will lean towards Tina when I’m talking to her.

Gina’s three Groove steps would look like this:

I’ve been going through some major changes in my life as it relates to my job. I guess I’m really trying to find a nice way to say: “I got laid off.”

No matter how you say it, I’m facing a period of change, and it got me wondering about the Four Sisters and how they would handle change. When something unexpected happens to Tina, how does she cope? Does Katie freak out when life changes? How does Gina get through it or what does Stacey do?

I suspect Prink Placement has a lot to do with how the Sisters handle change. This portion of the Find Your Spot on the dance floor assessment reflects your views on things, especially on how you view structure. Sisters who Prink Up have a more specific view of things while Sisters who Prink Down tend to view things a bit looser. So, how do you react to change? Do you seek it? Do you fear it? Do you embrace it? Do you find the Prink Placement accurately reflects most of your reactions to change?

I’m sure I don’t have all the answers when it comes to handling changes in life, but here are some points to ponder that I’ve come to understand:

1. Change happens. As much as we want “good” things to stay the same, they don’t. Everything changes, and so learning to adapt and cope becomes the goal. It doesn’t necessarily mean we have to flounder about because of all these changes, but it does mean we can become a bit more “limber” for it. We can learn to find out our core Sister strengths and depend upon them. This is also powerful to remember when you’re going through the “bad” changes. It’s temporary: this too shall pass.
2. Your reactions are yours, so own them. You don’t have to be like anyone else or copy anyone else when it comes to handling change. Learning about yourself is helpful to understand there are normal human processes we all go through when experiencing changes, and some of the Sisters will more naturally tend towards different stages while apparently not noticing others. This is okay, too. Feel it and own it. It’s yours.
3. Gratitude Rocks. Although it may be really difficult during some upheavals of change, I’ve found making lists of things I’m thankful for helps me to focus on the positive aspects of change. Now I’m not trying to be a pollyanna about this, but your attitude can be adjusted, and one of the best ways I have found is to be grateful. Take a moment to find some gratitude to help your attitude.

I’m sure you can think of other things to add to this list, so please comment and let me know. (I’m especially interested in hearing from Tina or Katie how they adapt to change.) These are only three of the things I’ve been dealing with recently because of my unemployment. Your changes will vary, but you already knew that.

Moving from “win/lose” to “win/win” communication takes some practice. It doesn’t come naturally for most people, because when you think about it, everyone is right. Even when we know we are wrong, we still want to be right. It’s only human nature.

Most of us come at communication like we’re a lawyer. We go down this list we’ve made in our minds and then wait for the other person to go down their list and the one who doesn’t add up in some way loses the argument. But does anyone ever really win in this situation? If everyone always thinks they’re right, who is really going to be wrong?

There is a better way for effective communication. Move from the out-dated mode of communication to the next phase. Here are some tips to help you move from “win/lose” to “win/win:”

1. Be present. So much of what we think is listening is really just waiting to talk. We are formulating our column of “rights” to everything the other person is saying. Instead, focus on your breathing and just being there. Sure, you’ll have thoughts, but just allow the other person an authentic acceptance by you just being there.
2. Be thankful. This other human being is taking the time to tell you something they feel is important, and you need to be thankful for them doing this. Yeah, I know it is totally opposite of what we would REALLY like to be doing at that time, but combined with Step 1, thanking them honestly for telling you something they think is important is a major step in moving from “win/lose” to “win/win.”
3. Be creative. Think outside the I’m right and you’re wrong confining, human box. By coming together and being present and being thankful, we can start moving together into a “win/win” communication situation by focusing on the commonality you share.

Back in the Out & Equal Summit 2009 wrap up post, I mentioned the Communication Solutions(TM) of the YES! Institute. I’m currently working on how to bring this organization into town to hold workshops, and I’m also considering attending their workshops over Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend.

I highly recommend these powerful workshops on Gender and Orientation as you are building your relationships. From just the 90 minutes I spent with this group of folks during this year’s Summit, I was able to learn so much about a solution for communication based on ‘win-win’ not ‘win-lose,’ which tends to be most communication frame of reference.

One of the key ingredients of this workshop is the “Just Be” exercise for gay relationships. No talking or facial expressions necessary as you stand and “be” with another person. It’s not an easy thing to do, and what I found is I drew on a lot of the soul work I’d already been doing over the past year or so. (You may remember the Eckhart Tolle post from a while back.)

This exercise became a way for me to focus on my breathing and become aware of places in my body where I had to react. For some reason, we want to do things instead of Just Be, and I find these points in my shoulders and legs where the mind and body want to express.

It has also helped me realize that the Four Sisters Groove needs an additional exercise for gay relationships. Beyond the Finding Your Spot on the Dance Floor self-assessment, I think the Groove workshops will need an exercise on building awareness. It needs to be the next level within the Groove as the exercise will help folks to be more aware.

I look forward to developing it for relationships.