Category Archives: Non-fiction

I’ve been going through some major changes in my life as it relates to my job. I guess I’m really trying to find a nice way to say: “I got laid off.”

No matter how you say it, I’m facing a period of change, and it got me wondering about the Four Sisters and how they would handle change. When something unexpected happens to Tina, how does she cope? Does Katie freak out when life changes? How does Gina get through it or what does Stacey do?

I suspect Prink Placement has a lot to do with how the Sisters handle change. This portion of the Find Your Spot on the dance floor assessment reflects your views on things, especially on how you view structure. Sisters who Prink Up have a more specific view of things while Sisters who Prink Down tend to view things a bit looser. So, how do you react to change? Do you seek it? Do you fear it? Do you embrace it? Do you find the Prink Placement accurately reflects most of your reactions to change?

I’m sure I don’t have all the answers when it comes to handling changes in life, but here are some points to ponder that I’ve come to understand:

1. Change happens. As much as we want “good” things to stay the same, they don’t. Everything changes, and so learning to adapt and cope becomes the goal. It doesn’t necessarily mean we have to flounder about because of all these changes, but it does mean we can become a bit more “limber” for it. We can learn to find out our core Sister strengths and depend upon them. This is also powerful to remember when you’re going through the “bad” changes. It’s temporary: this too shall pass.
2. Your reactions are yours, so own them. You don’t have to be like anyone else or copy anyone else when it comes to handling change. Learning about yourself is helpful to understand there are normal human processes we all go through when experiencing changes, and some of the Sisters will more naturally tend towards different stages while apparently not noticing others. This is okay, too. Feel it and own it. It’s yours.
3. Gratitude Rocks. Although it may be really difficult during some upheavals of change, I’ve found making lists of things I’m thankful for helps me to focus on the positive aspects of change. Now I’m not trying to be a pollyanna about this, but your attitude can be adjusted, and one of the best ways I have found is to be grateful. Take a moment to find some gratitude to help your attitude.

I’m sure you can think of other things to add to this list, so please comment and let me know. (I’m especially interested in hearing from Tina or Katie how they adapt to change.) These are only three of the things I’ve been dealing with recently because of my unemployment. Your changes will vary, but you already knew that.

Moving from “win/lose” to “win/win” communication takes some practice. It doesn’t come naturally for most people, because when you think about it, everyone is right. Even when we know we are wrong, we still want to be right. It’s only human nature.

Most of us come at communication like we’re a lawyer. We go down this list we’ve made in our minds and then wait for the other person to go down their list and the one who doesn’t add up in some way loses the argument. But does anyone ever really win in this situation? If everyone always thinks they’re right, who is really going to be wrong?

There is a better way for effective communication. Move from the out-dated mode of communication to the next phase. Here are some tips to help you move from “win/lose” to “win/win:”

1. Be present. So much of what we think is listening is really just waiting to talk. We are formulating our column of “rights” to everything the other person is saying. Instead, focus on your breathing and just being there. Sure, you’ll have thoughts, but just allow the other person an authentic acceptance by you just being there.
2. Be thankful. This other human being is taking the time to tell you something they feel is important, and you need to be thankful for them doing this. Yeah, I know it is totally opposite of what we would REALLY like to be doing at that time, but combined with Step 1, thanking them honestly for telling you something they think is important is a major step in moving from “win/lose” to “win/win.”
3. Be creative. Think outside the I’m right and you’re wrong confining, human box. By coming together and being present and being thankful, we can start moving together into a “win/win” communication situation by focusing on the commonality you share.

Back in the Out & Equal Summit 2009 wrap up post, I mentioned the Communication Solutions(TM) of the YES! Institute. I’m currently working on how to bring this organization into town to hold workshops, and I’m also considering attending their workshops over Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday weekend.

I highly recommend these powerful workshops on Gender and Orientation as you are building your relationships. From just the 90 minutes I spent with this group of folks during this year’s Summit, I was able to learn so much about a solution for communication based on ‘win-win’ not ‘win-lose,’ which tends to be most communication frame of reference.

One of the key ingredients of this workshop is the “Just Be” exercise for gay relationships. No talking or facial expressions necessary as you stand and “be” with another person. It’s not an easy thing to do, and what I found is I drew on a lot of the soul work I’d already been doing over the past year or so. (You may remember the Eckhart Tolle post from a while back.)

This exercise became a way for me to focus on my breathing and become aware of places in my body where I had to react. For some reason, we want to do things instead of Just Be, and I find these points in my shoulders and legs where the mind and body want to express.

It has also helped me realize that the Four Sisters Groove needs an additional exercise for gay relationships. Beyond the Finding Your Spot on the Dance Floor self-assessment, I think the Groove workshops will need an exercise on building awareness. It needs to be the next level within the Groove as the exercise will help folks to be more aware.

I look forward to developing it for relationships.

They were both elderly and obviously had major health and body issues.  As they approached the two steps leading to the entrance of the building, I watched as he stood with his walker at the base of the steps while she began her ascent. He took her arm  and struggled to help her get up the steps, lifting and pushing her as she scaled one step at a time — assisting with  a cane she held in her other hand.

Reaching the top, she turned as he lifted his walker to her, which she placed to one side – leaning her cane against it.  She took him by the hands and strained to pull him up the steps beneath her.  Then, both having reached the summit, she threaded her thin arm through the bend of his elbow and they shuffled off together.

As I watched (I was too far away to offer assistance before they had accomplished the feat) I began thinking about how long they must have been together. What difficulties they may have encountered in their lives? I wondered if there was ever a point when they may have considered going their separate ways but then managed to work things out. I thought about what they may have gone through, based on my own relationship experiences, to get to where they are now and it occurred to me that perhaps the reason we must put up with all the struggles of a life-long partnership/marriage is so that one day, if we should be so lucky to live as long as these folks, we would have someone to push us and pull us when we need it when no one else is around.

Is it too simplistic to believe that is reason enough to tolerate what may seem to be intolerable at the time? But, doesn’t it kind of make you wonder where you will be when you get to be that old? Maybe it’s just enduring all those difficult times that makes for a closer bond in gay relationships with someone in the end. Maybe if you can find someone who will push you when you need it, you won’t mind pulling him or her though tough times in return. Sounds like a deal to me! May we all be so lucky to find that reward.

I had an ex, who could only handle a small amount of talking. Now, I didn’t think I was that much of a talker, but apparently he would get to a point where he couldn’t handle hearing any other words, and he would say: “It’s Okay to be quiet.” I understood this as code for “shut up, I can’t take it any more,” so I wasn’t offended too much by him finding a kinder way to say it.

It definitely got me thinking about the importance of silence in communication and relationships.

1. Silence is Golden or more like “white space.” In any kind of design, you learn the basic idea of spreading punches of color around a room to give the eye places to focus. In between these spots of color are generally neutral oceans of rest. The concept is pretty basic one in design, and it can also be helpful to remember in communication. If it helps you, think of the silence as the resting point from bright color. It effectively gives you a break from the “splashes of conversations” dotting your communications.
2. Can you really listen, if you are talking? There’s that adage: “God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we can hear twice as much as we say.” Best to follow what nature intended, yes? Of course, we don’t count the words we say as we speak, but how would your relationship improve if you let the other person talk twice as much as you?
3. Pauses draw attention. One of the basic lessons a public speaker learns is how to overcome the nervous habit of filling up quiet with sound. You can definitely tell the difference between a professional speaker and an amateur by the amount of pausing. If it is a powerful tool from a podium, can’t it be just as powerful in your personal interactions?

So remember, Shhhh… it’s okay to be quiet.

I have the word ANANDA written on my white board in the cube at work, and I put it there to remind me to be grateful and joyous no matter what may be going on around me. Since work tends to be the place where many folks are not grateful and/or joyous, I thought it was a fitting reminder for me.

A few days ago, one of my coworkers whose country of origin is India stopped by my cube when he saw that word. Apparently, ANANDA is a very popular name in India, and it opened a dialogue between us to help me better understand how the word/name is used and understood there.

I found the word in Eckhart Tolle’s book: A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose as I was reading it on a plane flight from Indianapolis to Tampa. You know how sometimes you’re reading something and a single word or concept will stick. Well, ANANDA was that word for me.

My coworker explained that the name Ananda is usually given to first-born girls, since the family is so joyous to have this new addition. Even though I have never had any children, I can see how the arrival of a beautiful baby in your life could create this “bliss of life” or Ananda. That becomes a very real thing to grasp as you understand this core concept of living in gay relationships.

However, it doesn’t depend on a new baby arriving for you to find it. There are so many ways to bring bliss into your life. Nature. Work. Mediation. Reading. And yes, even communicating in gay relationships can bring bliss. Next time someone who’s in need wants to talk, really take the time to listen. Take a deep breath, find “your center” and listen. You don’t need to solve their problems. You don’t have to offer solutions. When they pause, you may say: “yes, and then what?” to encourage them to continue. Listening can become a form of meditation. It can become a point of bliss, and it provides that deep connection to person who is talking. Your listening provides them affirmation, and you don’t even have to solve their problems. They are simply being heard, which in today’s society can be something that does not happen often.

So to you today, I wish you Ananda as you go about your life.

Vermont is in the news again for legislation its statehouse is putting forward for legalizing same-sex marriage in the state. Even though Vermont currently has a Civil Union law on the books which gives same-sex couples equivalent legal rights, this legislation would mean Vermont’s gays and lesbians could actually legalize their gay relationships. However, as The New York Times reports the governor has already come out against it.

I try not to comment on political subjects in these blog posts, because it really isn’t the subject of The Four Sisters Groove. I have tried to develop this niche of gay relationships personality types using dancing as a point of reference since it is an integral part of being gay. Relationships are also key to this. So anything I post here, I believe should support that niche development.

However, I also realize at the core of The Four Sisters Groove is the concept of a relationships, and to be more specific it is the concept of gay relationships. So, laws impacting those relationships do influence the development of them. You have to be able to have relationships to be able to make them better.

At the core of this concept is a recognition of natural and developed communication tendencies. You are born ‘you’ and then your environment of origin helps nurture you into the person you are today. By helping you see which Sister you are, The Four Sisters Groove lets you evaluate how you relate within your gay relationships and then provides guides for Grooving with others. Honesty and openness are integral parts of this self-awareness, and legalizing gay marriage would continue this process.

So, from The Four Sisters Groove point of view as we “learn the steps to building better relationships,” legal recognition of our same-sex relationships is making them better and is clearly something that must be done.

Did you know Rapper Li’l John has an ernergy drink named after the type of music he produces? Crunk Energey Drink!

If you don’t know, Crunk is probably considered a sub-genre of Hip Hop music. The word itself is said to originate as a “portmanteau” of the two words: crazy & drunk. So when you slam crazy into drunk, it comes out CRUNK!

Because this musical genre is said to be stripped down to the core of the rhythm by focusing on the beat, usually using a drum machine, I think crunk works perfectly in the Four Sisters Groove for describing some basic core concepts about communication styles.

The key to crunk is observation. By taking some time to learn these key signals on communication styles, you can more easily understand the preferred communication style of someone. Crunk reflects those key indicators to watch for as you are interacting. Communication takes listening and observation. Here’s some of information on Four Sisters Groove crunks.

Facial Expressions Crunk: What is showing up on the face? What do you see there? Do you see an open, accepting expression or do you notice few, controlled expresssions?

Voice Pitch Crunk: Besides the obvious differences between male and female pitch based on evolutionary and cultural development, the pitch produced by the vocal cords can clearly indicate preferred methods of communicating. For example, have you noticed someone afraid having a higher pitch than someone who is at ease and relaxed while speaking.

Voice Volume Crunk: You know you have to listen intently with some folks, and with others you have no problem hearing them from across the room. Voice volume can also predict communication styles.

Posture Crunk: Do you notice a slouch? Do they stand erect and upright? This can present you an opportunity at insight on preferred traits of the other person by watching their posture.

Key Word Crunks: Even if you can’t pick up on some of the visual clues indicated in the Crunks above, you can pick up on key words used as the conversation progresses. Does the speaker use Think terms or Feel Terms? (“I think I’ll go to the store.”) Does the speaker use commands or requests? How specific does the speaker reference time or dates or figures? Depending on the answer to this Key Word Crunks, you can establish a preferred communication style.

Some of these may take some practice to learn, while noticing some of others may come much easier for you. Take the time to observe and notice those folks around you. I’ve often found it interesting to sit in a public place and watch people as they interact in large or small groups to see if I can pick up on these Crunks of Communication. Give it a try, and let me know how it goes.

Continuing my list posts of Gina, Stacey, and Katie, I now present you Tina. Who would probably say: “The Best for Last!” because that’s what Tina does. Here are some other things to remember about Tina in gay relationships:

1. She’s the go-to-gal when you want something done! Goal-oriented and able to make decisions to get there, she loves a challenge of figuring how to get there and then leading the way.  She sometimes gets called a “natural leader” because of this, and she gets called on often to do it.
2. Sometimes other people’s opinions and abilities do matter. As right as she knows she is, it’s helpful to learn to listen to others and take value from hearing diverse opinions.
3. Remember Tina: it’s okay to follow a compass and not a map. She can be very driven by accomplishing tasks on her checklist of life and can appear inflexible when taken to task for it.
4. She may need help to remember to take a vacation. This may be as simple as planning time to not do anything, but it becomes important for Tina to not always needing to be “on.”

I hope this short list has helped you better understand our Sister, Tina, in gay relationships.