Category Archives: Four Sisters Groove

Yeah! The Sex and the City movie has arrived, and I’m sure audiences across the USA were packed with gay men. For some reason, we love our four ladies.

Now you may not have been able to relate to my previous post in The Perfect Storm, but I bet Sex and the City (SATC) can help you understand The Four Sisters Groove.

For some reason, we gay men (and the population in general) are attracted to the use of the Four Sisters in TV shows. Think about it: Designing Women, The Golden Girls, and of course, Sex in The City. (A LOT of other sitcoms love to use the Four Sisters when you really think about it.)

To be honest, when I first thought about the best way to represent the four personality types known as The Four Sisters Groove, SATC was in its prime. We used to have Sunday pot luck dinners where we’d all get together, eat, drink cosmos, and watch the girls adventures. And with the popularity of the show among gay men, I gather a lot of other men did the same thing. At the time, it was obvious to me the producers of the show had used four personality types successfully.

So, can you pick out which Sister is which from SATC? What are the clues you notice? Which characters Sashays Right more than the others? Do you see Prink Up when you watch a scene?

Here’s my take on the characters:

Carrie = Stacey
Charlotte = Katie
Miranda = Gina
Samantha = Tina

Can you see The Four Sisters there? Do you agree?

Found a great post on relationship boundaries. I really like the circle exercise. Where do you find yourself in your current relationship or where do you tend to go when you are in a relationship? Do you have boundaries? Where are they? Have you talked about them? The post offers some good tips on boundary setting.

Try to identify where your struggles with boundaries originate and keep track of what triggers your self-sabotaging behavior. Work aggressively at overcoming these personal hurdles to promote a more solid and confident sense of self.

Some Sisters have an easier time with boundaries, though each one can take the interaction types to the extreme to break these boundaries. Gina can become so enmeshed she doesn’t know where she ends and her partner begins. Katie can become so independent she can’t let anyone in. Tina can take charge so much she forgets to consider others. Stacey can become so enthralled by the attention she can forget about her social limits.

Being in the Groove means understanding your boundaries and maintaining them, because we all know good fences make good neighbors.

I was at a get-together talking to a friend, who was complaining about his partner not being there, because he instead had gone to visit mom for the weekend.

“Just remember,” I comforted. “How a man treats his mother is how he treats you in a relationship.”

He didn’t seem that encouraged by it, and when I first said it, I really didn’t know if it was true. But now, I’ve read research that talks about it called attachment theory. Apparently, these psychologists claim how you learned to “attach” to caregivers in your childhood will apply to how you develop relationships in adulthood.

What I found interesting is the grid used to place the types of relationships the authors are describing. It seemed rather familiar. The Four Sisters Groove Prink Placement and Sashay Scale combine into a grid in a similar fashion. And I wondered: Does this correspond to the Four Sisters Groove in some way?

When I took the on-line questionnaires for placement on this grid, I generally landed in the bottom right corner…. yes, FEARFUL. And when I compare the opposite corner, which would be Tina on the Four Sisters Groove, I notice the SECURE placement. So, I can see a correspondence there. The corner to the right of Gina or PREOCCUPIED would be Stacey, and the DISMISSING corner would be Katie, from the Four Sisters Groove view of things.

This would mean the Model of Other (avoidance) half of the grid would relate to the Sashay Scale, and the Model of Self (dependence) would relate to Prink Placement. (Remember, Sashay Scale depicts your interactions with other people, while Prink Placement denotes fastidiousness shown in structure or details.) It would be like we took that grid and turned it one quarter clockwise.

I would say: Yep, aspects of this attachment theory do correspond to the Four Sisters Groove! However, the Four Sisters Groove takes it a step further in helping you recognize and then identify the Sister in others and then learn how to improve the Groove with them in relationships.

I find all this really fascinating, since I just started studying the attachment theory, and I have developed the Four Sisters Groove over quite a few years. I can see how the interactions you learn as a wee lad or lass at the hands of your early caregivers can influence how you will interact with others in the future. And the Four Sisters Groove is a reflection of human interactions, so I guess I can see a correspondence in relationships.

In fact, knowing that my friend who was missing his partner because of the visit to mom is a strong Gina, I would say the FEARFUL attachment part of him was showing. Recognizing it and understanding it is where the Four Sisters Groove can help your relationships.

My first serious boyfriend was a strong Tina, and he used to get really annoyed with me about many things, I’m sure, but the main annoyance was Gina’s inability to say what she really wanted. Finally, one day he pointed out how it takes asking me three times what I wanted before the fourth answer was the real one.

I’ve often thought of why it takes Gina that many tries, and I think it has to come down to both aspects of Sashay and Prink. (You can read more about Sashay and Prink at Four Sisters Groove after you take the Sisters’ Quiz.)

Gina usually finds herself reacting to so many things at one time. Life tosses you stuff all the time, and because she Prinks Down, she doesn’t have a strong organizational structure like a Tina or a Katie. But also, since she Sashays Left, she’s worried about how handling that imput will impact someone else.

So a simple question like “What would you like to eat?” can become a quagmire of indecision. Of course, to Tina the answer should be simple: “I want pizza and beer.” But answers are always easier to come by for Tina, because she Prinks Up and Sashays Right.

Instead, Gina is thinking: “Am I hungry? Do I need to lose some weight? If I don’t lose weight I’ll never fit into those jeans. Does that question mean he doesn’t like what I want to eat? Do I have to cook it? Is it raining out?”

Yeah, it’s that bad!

So, when Tina would ask the question for the second or third time, Gina was deep in her unstructured, empathetic thought processes anywhere in that thought stream. “Sure. I guess so.” She would answer, hoping to not have to commit.

Now, if both of us are living unaware, this simple interaction can cause a huge blow up. Tina could ramp up her Prink and push it into something more than it is, and Gina can Sashay further down into an empathetic freeze.

The Four Sisters Groove is a method for building awareness. By understanding where you are coming from, you can see where you are at and make conscious decision to function not withdraw. Of course, Tina took the lead by pointing out the whole situation, but when done with the correct awareness, Gina will be more receptive and less defensive.

By opening the communication around the subject and becoming aware, both of us were able to work around the Third Time’s A Charm interactions. Tina was able to take the lead and still not stomp on Gina’s feelings about the situation, while Gina was able to adapt her Prink to determine what she wanted and learned it was okay to say what she wants. This is an example of the type of Groove you want to learn with the Four Sisters Groove.

During my presentation of the Four Sisters Groove to a corporate affinity group, one of the members asked me an interesting question:

“Do opposites attract?”

We had already completed the Sisters’ Quiz, and this strong Gina was already placing his partner in a strong Tina role. Since I personally knew both of them, I could agree with his assessment of each of their Prink Placements and Sashay Scales. It did appear the two were complete opposite.

To him, this was a clear picture of the “Opposites Attract” rule, even though the couple is of the same sex. In same sex relationships, the area of attraction isn’t the opposite body parts like in heterosexual relationships, though some would say the mechanics of the parts isn’t really the thing that attracts. The point being hetero relationships have a built in “opposite” to start, while gay relationships find different at another level.

A study published in the July 2003 Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences found that self-perception was more likely to match mate perception, meaning how you think of yourself tends to match how you think of your partner. It concluded that the participants used a “likes-attract” rule, meaning they preferred partners who are similar more than opposite.

Looking deeper into the relationship of my Gina/Tina friends, I could see key aspects of their relationship that were more similar than opposite:

• Both men were physically attractive
• Monetary outlook/incentives were close to even
• Religious heritage matched
• Educational levels corresponded
• Career and aspiration goals synced up

So even though my Gina friend Sashayed way left, and his partner Sashayed way right, creating an opposite in the Sashay Scale, the core parts of their relationship revealed a sameness in this same-sex partnership.

Overcoming Opposites

The fear Gina was trying to express by asking if opposites attract stemmed from focusing on only one aspect of themselves. Yes, either Sashay Scale Left or Right taken to the extreme can be harmful. Remember: There’s nothing right or wrong in the natural occurrence of your Sashay Scale, but there can be painful results when Sashay is taken to extreme, or when Prink is left unchecked.

The goal of The Four Sisters Groove is to help you groove in relationships. Understanding where you are in it, will help you see where you want to be next. Finding opposites within your relationship shouldn’t be that much of a surprise, because it is this spark of difference that gives a freshness to being together.

Just remember that the same thing that attracted you (the Opposite) can be the thing that is the most challenging for you. Learning how to groove with it is what we are here to do.

Last year I went on my first “part-gay” cruise put together by the fine folks at Pied Piper Travel, and even though I’ve done a couple all-gay cruises I wasn’t really sure what to expect with this one. But I never expected to see the “Perfect Storm!”

My gaybours (gay+neighbors=gaybours) are the friends who convinced me to take this trip. They are a classic Gina/Tina combination, who’ve been together for almost 25 years. WOW! They had told me about the couple they met on the same cruise the previous year, so I was looking forward to meeting these guys, since I’d heard so much about them. And I can honestly say “the hype” was accurate! I had such a blast, especially at the dinner table.

What I found most fun was watching a true interaction of all four of the Sisters, or as I call it, the “Perfect Storm.” One Gina/Tina as I already mentioned, and the other Katie/Stacey pair. The times when the four were all together and clipping along presented the most fun! There was a sense of “completeness” or “together” that made the quad happy and content. It really was fun to watch.

The night of the disco party was the only time I saw most of the types taken to the extreme, which resulted in some stress and possibly hurt feelings, though each of the couples had been together for so long, they’ve learned how to quickly recover from these excursions.

Stacey wanted to stay out partying! But Katie was ready for bed… a time schedule to keep, ya know. Tina instigated it… “Let’s go!” She took the lead. Gina had already returned to her cabin to spend some quality alone time, so with the two Sashay Lefts out of the picture, the Sashay Rights broke out! Laughing and meeting people…

Until Katie showed up later to “apply the rules.” “It’s time for bed,” she said. And the party broke up for the evening.

Seeing this happen reminded me that opposites do attract and learning how to balance each other is a good goal for any relationship.