Author Archives: Anthony

In this post I want to highlight and review some key indicators for our dear Sister, Gina. Now, since “I are one” it should be the easiest to write.

So here goes:

1. Gina Prinks Down so she may need some help staying organized and focused. Now it could be something as simple as a scattered structure versus a rigid structure for organization. For example, I walked into my garage yesterday and noticed how all the piles extend through the length of the garage. I don’t go up, I go out. Gina can compensate for this, once she understands it.
2. Gina Sashays Left, so she can spend a lot of time inside her head. That’s not a bad thing, since it is generally where she finds her strength. There’s plenty of peace and quiet, but she may need a few prods to get out there a bit more. It’s helpful to have a Stacey or Tina who you can count on to take you out.
3. Gina likes warm and fuzzy. She likes to develop deep, friendships with a few people. She doesn’t have to be the life of the party or the center of attention, but she does like to feel secure in knowing a few folks at the party and spending time getting to know them. Or Gina may enjoy observing and sensing the activity at the party.
4. Gina may need help knowing what she wants. Personally, it can take me quite a while to figure this out. Usually, I will notice my emotional reaction first since it is the easiest to spot (and since my face is usually burning red!) However, it may take me some time to process through the emotion to the thought and to what I want. (Whew, I’m tired just writing about it!) But once Gina’s mind is made up, she can stay determined.

Hopefully these four things will help you understand Gina a little bit better.

What if like Ebeneezer Scrooge you were told three ghosts would visit you? But these three ghosts wouldn’t be the Christmas kind. Instead, these would be ghoulish visits from your Exes.

Now I didn’t have Marley to forewarn me after dinner, but the Exes did appear this holiday season, and for some reason they all come from Atlanta. It’s like the final resting place of wayward Exes or something.

I was reading some books by Augesten Burroughs over the holiday break, and I don’t think I’m one of those writers who writes intimately about people around me. I try to make it a bit more vague. I guess, if my Ex or those familiar to us read a post they could probably identify the guilty or innocent, but the general public can’t identify who I’m writing about.

But the combination of reading Burroughs and the apparitions of Exes got me wondering how the Sisters would react with the reappearance of people from the past, and what is the value of it?

Now, the one Ex came back to me in an email, so we haven’t actually talked or met in person again. But I did spend some time with one over the holiday break, and I was amazed at how quickly the old habits can reoccur. You know how a relationship develops these customs and expectations. It’s the baggage that piles up while spending time together. Who takes more control of situations? Who makes decisions? Who likes to go out? Who likes to stay in? What buttons can I push?

All of these reappeared for me during this visit, but the saving grace for me was being able to walk away. I don’t have anything else invested in that relationship or anything else I want to invest in it. So, I can move that person from the “Make it Okay” column to the “Fend for yourself” column.

And for a Gina, that is an accomplishment, but a necessary step needed to be able to remain friends with an Ex. I couldn’t allow myself to fall back in the past. I had to learn from it and become a better person, just like Ebeneezer Scrooge.

How does your Sister help you handle your Exes?

I can only imagine how perturb my ex would be if he had to go through this diet with me. When we were together, I think he barely tolerated “my crazy ideas,” but what more can you expect from a loved one who doesn’t have to go through the ordeal you are? So tolerating is probably a good thing.

The Specific Carbohydrate Diet or SCD provides a way through nutrition to correct intestinal imbalances. According to SCD, complex carbohydrates (grains, refined sugar, potatoes, starches) feed the “bad” gut flora because they take so long to digest, while simple carbohydrates (fruits, some vegetables, honey) starve the bad gut flora while giving you the carbohydrates or carbs your body needs to function. Over time, this heals the damage caused by this overabundance of bad gut flora. Repairing this imbalance is the key to optimal health.

Now along with the carb control, this diet introduces a homemade yogurt product it requires for repopulating the gut with “good” flora. You make this yogurt yourself, and I can surprisingly admit I did it successfully! (For all the details please see the Specific Carbohydrate Diet web site.) It really isn’t that difficult to do.

Since I’m currently single, I don’t really know how well this diet would go over. In previous relationships, I’ve adapted to vegeterian boyfriends pretty easily. I think I even had one who was on the Atkins Diet for a while, and I survived that even though our relationship didn’t.

On the few dates I’ve had so far on the SCD, I have to admit eating out was a challenge. I was able to find a Vietnamese restaurant for some excellent Pho. However, I could not have the rice noodles nor the bean sprouts commonly used in Pho. So, I had to settle for chicken broth with pieces of chicken. (The waitress was surprised but accommodating.) My date was vegan, and he was able to find something pretty easily since he could have rice or tofu.

So, I guess it still all comes down to open communication and flexibility. The foundation of the Four Sisters Groove.

I seriously think my paternal grandmother was a recluse, though I can only make that call based on childhood memories of family visits with her. I grew up in Indiana and Grams lived in the state of Washington, so we would drive out to see her about every five years.

On those occasions, I can recall her rarely leaving her home. Seldom would she join us as we attended family reunions at other relatives’ homes. Mostly, she sat in her chair in the living room, content to be home.

As I watched my father age, I saw similar tendencies develop. Though he was a public speaker, he found great solace in solitude, and during his illness, he became very reclusive.

I explain this background, because there is clearly a hereditary connection with aspects of the Four Sisters Groove. Even though I think environmental impacts (childhood or current home or work life) can influence levels of Prink & Sashay. I think people are born at certain levels of them.

So, it’s with this understanding of my heredity that I find myself tending toward reclusion.

When I was younger, I never had any real problems Sashaying Right. I could go out and find friends to play with in the neighborhood, and had a great time doing it. Now that I’ve matured a bit (only a little, really!), I find myself hesitating and even dreading social interactions. I seriously must force myself to go. Of course, once I’m there I have a great time, but it is the getting there where I’m finding it more difficult.

I’ve come to ask myself: what is the deciding factor behind which side of the Sashay Scale I choose? Granted, I have a natural tendency to Sashay Left. I find great comfort and energy from spending time alone. But as I consider my thought processes behind the over-reaction before a social interaction, I realize there are some base emotions at the core.

Fear or Love?

I found the key factor in me avoiding social scenes came from being afraid. I feared rejection. I feared pain. Admitting the fear, feeling it, and then going on anyhow has become a powerful catalyst for change or at least a delay in me becoming a recluse.

I give myself permission to be alone. I know I need that time away from others to recharge, but I don’t want fear to take control of any part of my life. Take a moment to consider if your extremes in Sashay or Prink come from fear or love. It may help your improve your current relationships.

My first boyfriend taught me a valuable lesson about Prinking when he took me home to meet Mother one Easter. I already knew we had very different Prink Placements, since I Prinked Down when he Prinked Up… way up.

This man could not go to bed without all the dishes being washed, dried, and stowed. All laundry cleaned, folded, and put away. Everything had to be in its place. That is a high Prink Placement.

On the other hand, I didn’t place nearly that high. Now, I wasn’t really a slob, but I certainly wasn’t neat, and I also didn’t take such a structured view of my surroundings.

As Mother was washing up the dishes following a delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings, I browsed her collection of kitten knick-knacks. Noticing the tape on the back of one, I asked my boyfriend about it.

“If she can’t tape the receipt to something, she writes down the purchase price, date and time and tapes it to everything.” He smiled knowingly. Sure enough, EVERY little porcelain kitty I picked up and looked at had a tag identifying the value and origination written there by Mother.

“See,” he said. “I’m not so bad.”

Now, that’s Prink Up!

This week marks the one-year anniversary of the breakup. I haven’t really talked about it here, because I guess I wondered what it would look like if the guy writing about communication styles can’t maintain a successful relationship himself? Does my inability to keep that three-year long flurry of emotions and life changes vibrant and alive reflect on my own understanding of the Four Sisters Groove?

I have always loved New Orleans, even during the sweltering heat of September, but I had to cancel those Southern Decadence plans this year, thanks to hurricane Gustav. So Ft. Lauderdale was “Plan B.” Apparently, it was a lot of guys back-up plans, since the majority of the guests I met at the Shubert Resort were also displaced Decadence refugees. Returning to Ft. Lauderdale reminded me of my goals and what happens when you lose sight of them.

Last year, my ex and I did attend Decadence, and we had a great time. We didn’t argue or fight during our trip; but then, our relationship was never marked by those flare ups. We always traveled together well, flexibly, but since we both Prink Lower, neither of us had a well-defined view of structure, and this usually showed up nicely during travel.

Following that Labor Day weekend, he decided it was time to move on. So, he made his way to Atlanta. (Isn’t that where they all end up?) However, I stayed here in Florida. I had made plans four years ago to move here, and it was during that time when I first met him. We both moved down here to live together. It seemed to be a great thing then, and I can still say it was the right move.

There are two questions you ask in life; where am I going and who’s going with me. Don’t get them in the wrong order. — Sam Keen, Fire in the Belly

Time to heal. Time to evaluate. Time to consider and adjust. A lot can happen in one year, but I realize I have to stay determined on my goals. Sure, there are those lonely times when I waver and question everything I do and every decision I make, but those are the thoughts of fear and not the strength of loving what I am doing.

Tina doesn’t have to be reminded of the goal, and for a large part neither does Katie. They have a refined view of structure that lends itself to goals and keeps them on track. However, for Gina, who does not have that strong a Prink methodology, remembering goals and staying focused can take some extra effort. So I guess that’s what this exercise is reminding me. There’s no need for a “Plan B.” I’m in the right place at the right time. I know where I am going.

Now, my question is: who will go with me?

Over at relationship site there was a post on a classic communication misstep, and the valuable lesson learned about eye contact. The story reminds us of both the link between the appearance of self-confidence and the use of simple communication cues.

My greatest lesson along these lines happened at work when an ex-military coworker called me out on my lack of eye contact. He helped me understand the importance of keeping and holding eye contact, and how it can have a positive impact on how I was interpreted, heard, and even liked.

There is also an underlying issue with these lessons, too. I had the major hots for this co-worker, and my reaction to these feelings was to hide them away. I thought that not looking at him meant, he wouldn’t see what I was feeling. This swirl of emotions can also occur during introductions as the post describes.

These are the classic missteps of a Sashay Left. The interpretation of the emotional intensity in these situations causes Sashay Left to pull back. However, those who Sashay Right don’t always understand the reasons behind these actions, since Sashay Right doesn’t have any problem making and keeping intense eye contact.

So the Cha Cha Cha for these situations calls for both Sashay Left and Sashay Right to watch their steps. Sashay Left must push past her comfort zone to make sure she’s not misunderstood, and Sashay Right has to not misinterpret the lack of eye contact as something personal.

By making a few adjustments to the way we do things, we’ll sidestep Miss Steps and her Entourage.

Do you know which one you are? Find out at Four Sisters Groove.

Lately, I’ve been posting a lot of television shows as a reference for the Four Sisters Groove. Many writers of sitcoms, books, and movies use this theme to tell a story. Recently, I went to watch Mamma Mia with friend of mine, and we got there in time to watch the trailers. Wouldn’t you know it: The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants has how many Sisters? Yep. FOUR!

So, with it all around us to see, I wanted to focus on the how. How do I know she’s a Katie? Or how do I know you’re a Tina? How do I find out someone else’s Sister in Gay Relationships?

Sashay & Prink

Here are some things to remember:

1. Observe.
   No, he’s not a science project. However, you can train yourself to watch and become aware. Now, while you observe, do you notice particular aspects of his body language? What about his surroundings? Do you see a pattern in order or structure? Also, be attentive to how you feel while you are observing. Do you have a general sense of calm? Do you feel agitated? Your reaction can also help you understand.
2. Listen.
   It’s okay to be quiet, an ex of mine would say. I understood this as his way of saying he couldn’t listen any more. So, tell yourself it is okay to not respond: to hear and listen only. Do you notice any patterns to his speech? What do you notice about his voice level or pitch? Are there consistent color words he uses?
3. Understand Sashay Scale and Prink Placement.
   Each of these has specific key indicators for you to use to identify which part of the dance floor he likes to groove. Does he Sashay Right? Maybe he likes to Prink Up. Where is that in relation to your Sister?

Becoming aware of these will help you take a step closer to knowing where he’s coming from in Gay Relationships. Practicing while watching TV or movies for these indicators can help you better identify The Four Sisters Groove.

Like a lot of folks, I took some vacation time in July, and it reminded me of the Vacation movie with the Griswolds (A clear use of the Four Sisters with the four main characters) and also of my own past vacation experiences.

As a younger Gina, I would frustrate my Tina boyfriend by claiming I lived life “by the seat of my pants.” Gina, having a strong Prink aversion, ran from most anything smelling of structure. Clearly, life was meant to be a string of random events, not a structured progression from Point A to Point B.

The differences in our Prink views would really come to a point during vacations. Tina, being able to take Prink to the extreme, would create a spreadsheet delineating each day’s events, including travel distances, hotel expenses, entertainment, and how often to breathe.

Okay, the breathing part was an exaggeration. However, to Gina, making these arrangements can feel like a pin instead of a plan. Why can’t we just see where the open road takes us? Travel the back roads and experience life!
If either of the Sisters takes the Prink views to the extreme, conflict can happen. Of course, a compromise has to be reached, but there is also the option of creating space for each Sister to exercise the strength of her Prink view.

Yes, Gina, vacations do take planning. There is the location, the airfare, the car rental, the hotels, the spots to see, and even the bars to hit! So, Tina’s strengths can be put to good use beforehand, keeping in mind Gina’s Prink aversion, Tina can help guide the details without overloading Gina. While Gina, can input creative ideas for entertainment or use time for “the seat of the pants” traveling.

As long as both Sisters can take this view on vacations, the experience can be a rewarding opportunity to grow closer and learn how to build a relationship through the strength of differences.

Yeah! The Sex and the City movie has arrived, and I’m sure audiences across the USA were packed with gay men. For some reason, we love our four ladies.

Now you may not have been able to relate to my previous post in The Perfect Storm, but I bet Sex and the City (SATC) can help you understand The Four Sisters Groove.

For some reason, we gay men (and the population in general) are attracted to the use of the Four Sisters in TV shows. Think about it: Designing Women, The Golden Girls, and of course, Sex in The City. (A LOT of other sitcoms love to use the Four Sisters when you really think about it.)

To be honest, when I first thought about the best way to represent the four personality types known as The Four Sisters Groove, SATC was in its prime. We used to have Sunday pot luck dinners where we’d all get together, eat, drink cosmos, and watch the girls adventures. And with the popularity of the show among gay men, I gather a lot of other men did the same thing. At the time, it was obvious to me the producers of the show had used four personality types successfully.

So, can you pick out which Sister is which from SATC? What are the clues you notice? Which characters Sashays Right more than the others? Do you see Prink Up when you watch a scene?

Here’s my take on the characters:

Carrie = Stacey
Charlotte = Katie
Miranda = Gina
Samantha = Tina

Can you see The Four Sisters there? Do you agree?